State of Mind: Memory Issues

This “rant” has nothing to do with games, it’s just my depression.

My memory isn’t what it used to be – as far as I can tell, it’s gotten worse, but has its ups and downs as well.

This has been affecting me since early 2010 – at least this where I noticed it. At that time, my grandfather was sick and we couldn’t afford to treat him properly. Of course, he had the right medication and such but he required someone to be 24/7 around him. He could barely stand on his own, because his muscles were very weak. He also had some memory issues, related to his sickness – something close to Alzheimer’s but I can’t recall the name ๐Ÿ˜

At that time, before we could take him to a nursing home, I took care of him for about two and half years – after my mother came back from work, she’d help, of course. We didn’t have the money to afford a wheelchair for him either, so I had to carry him all over the place. To his bedroom, to the kitchen, to the bathroom, to the living room and to the yard (if the weather allowed it, he also very sensitive to cold).

I had just gotten out of school and almost finished my 12th grade at the time – I failed at Mathmatics there, for some reason (I’ll get on this later or in the comments, if asked). There I was, 17 years old, taking care of my 80 years old grandfather. It took all of my energy and time, I can’t lie about that. It was both physically and mentally draining.

Memory Deleted.jpg
This illustrates well my feeling.

I don’t blame him, though – anyone can get sick and I understand that, I’m just letting out how I felt, even though I also felt like I should help since those who cared couldn’t and those who could didn’t care – family issues, anyone?

I’d bring him breakfast. Milk too cold. I heat it up just a little bit. Too hot. Let it get a bit cooler..too cold again. He’d scream in the middle of the night to get some water (even though I left water right next to him and told him countless times before he went to sleep). He’d call for me every 5 minutes throughout the day (and this isn’t an exaggeration). Sometimes he just wanted to talk but he was so lost he thought I was a childhood friend of his and that he was still in Brasil, about to come to Portugal.

Anyways… After about a year I noticed I didn’t remember much of the past year that I had been taking care of him. I could barely keep a conversation up with anyone – that includes my own brother and mother and my friends. I just disconnected from everything for a long while. I felt as if that time didn’t happen, but I knew (and still know) it did. The years 2010 to 2012 are a big blur to me. I can’t remember much from them, even if I still try.

Has anyone here gotten through something similar? If so, how did you deal with it? Like me, separating yourself from everything?

Brain Picture: used in an Essay about Memory Loss at school, don’t remember exactly where I got it – there are many duplicates in Google search.

I’m sorry I deviate from games quite a lot, but… This is all I felt like writing about.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “State of Mind: Memory Issues

  1. I’m not sure how I missed this post… I agree that it sounds like a bit of dissociation, which is helpful in the moment to keep you from overloading, but can result in some memory suppression in the process, which I think it what you’re experiencing (moreso than memory loss). I also agree that the memories aren’t “deleted.” It’s just a matter of unlocking them (or not?) based on what is best for you. And it’s perfectly reasonable and understandable to have conflicting emotions about family members, so there’s no need to apologize for anything that you said!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s okay! I’m glad you found your way here, somehow ๐Ÿ™‚ And to be fair, these past few days (maybe a little over a week) I’ve been so away from all my writing and reading dude to an application I’m making, so I get that people miss stuff – hopefully it goes well.

      Back to the topic! Yes, seems so, but I can’t be sure it’s dissociation. It really feels like there’s nothing there, just…void. I can remember some parts of those years but not much.

      …some family I don’t really consider them as being such; while I consider closer friends to be family.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Glad to hear you’re working on an application ๐Ÿ™‚

        And it’s maybe not dissociation; your therapist would have a better handle on all that, and you know you better than anyone else, of course!

        …and as they say, sometimes family are the ones you choose.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You’re probably right; but I’m confused when it comes to that subject, since I can’t remember anything when I try. Maybe the memories will come later like she hinted at, maybe they won’t (maybe they were, indeed, deleted).

        I agree there – we can’t choose who we’re related to but we can chose who we relate to (or something like this) ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It sounds like you disassociated, which could be your brain’s way of protecting itself from overload/meltdown. I’m surprised you were able to focus on school at all during those times. No one that age should have such a heavy responsibility.

    I have memory issues, too. Looking back my childhood had a lot of emotional abuse and gaslighting, but at the time I only knew I hated how people made me feel. Now I have the language to explain it. Memories will pop up sporadically every now and then with no apparent warning. I think it’s the mind’s way of dealing with it.

    Definitely no need for you to apologize (though I get that, too. Constant apologizing is a major sign of anxiety, depression, and emotional abuse). Talking about it helps. It eases the burden in most cases.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I haven’t had the experience of looking after an ill family member like you did, but it’s important to know that it isn’t wrong to feel the way you do about it. Being put in that situation, you aren’t being selfish or insensitive for having your own needs or desires. To have to put yourself aside for another person, especially someone that is likely incapable of being appreciative, takes its toll. One thing I’d like to tell you though is that in every facet of your life, you always have to make sure that someone is looking out for your needs as well, even if that’s only you. Nobody can give 100% without receiving anything in return. People need to recharge, to gain back part of themselves after giving of themselves. Granted, that might not have been an option for you at the time, but it’s okay to feel like you need something too.

    Your memory retention issue might just be an indication of your state of mind at the time. You may not remember because the primary concern of yours would’ve been taking care of your grandfather, not extraneous details each day. My memories are usually relational, meaning that I remember things based on what they’re associated with. If most of your memories are tied in some way to you taking care of your grandfather, than I imagine it might be that you just have too many things that your mind is trying to consolidate under that branch.

    I mean, I’m no neurologist or psychologist, but that makes sense to me at least.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I didn’t get a direct confirmation from my psychologist, but those memories are probably still “in here somewhere”. It’s like they’re hidden, not deleted. There’s a chance I can recover some of those memories with time, by overcoming this depression issue.
      I usually associate a lot of things with others and that makes me remember a lot of things as well (like, you sing a song, but there’s a word in there that reminds me of a book I read, that book reminds me of a certain day, etc); but in this case…nothing triggers a memory.
      I’m also no neurologist nor psychologist but I did study Psychology a bit, for a year, in high school – it’s interesting, really. We know so much (human knowledge in general) but there’s yet so much more to know still… it’s overwhelming.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s