Ever since I was in pre-school I was always the class clown – not every single year, but most of them.
I enjoy entertaining others. Always have. There’s something good about being one of the reasons that people are in a good mood!
This is something about me that hasn’t changed. But doing something entertaining while yourself being depressed it’s hard. Very hard.
A few years ago some Circus was on TV. I was never one to really like Circus much even though I respect and admire some people working in that area. After it was over, there was a team interviewing those who worked there – people who took care of the animals, contortionists, jugglers and…clowns. Yes, I’m going there. The main clown, let’s call him Major Clown – I think his stage name was similar to this, so why not? – was the funniest there, everyone in the Circus said so.
The TV crew interviewed him live, and after about a minute, a question popped:
Q: “Why did you choose to become a clown?”, his answer is still engraved in my memory (even though I have memory issues, depression related, more on that another day).
A: “Because I know what it’s like to not being able to laugh or enjoy something. Because I am depressed and I don’t want anyone else in the world to feel what I have felt.” …they (TV crew) then switched to another clown to enlighten the mood of the interview. And, to me, that was an awful move. Later I found out he had lost his wife to cancer and his son in a hit and run accident after he was coming home from school. Both things happened in a span of 6 months. I can’t imagine how torn apart he must have felt and still…he was able to go out there and make other people laugh and enjoy themselves. Even though I sadly can’t find more information on this subject, that man is one of my heroes.
I identify immensely with his reply. My situation is very very different from his, but we share that one feeling to make others happy and entertain them.
I’ve thought a lot about making something to entertain people on a larger scale but I never managed to be able to. I thought about making video series of games (like playing Civilization with a custom Civ. ruled by me; get a 3D model of my face and put it in my Skyrim character, etc – trying to innovate, somehow), streaming gameplay, videos about the lore of my favorite games, things like that. I want to entertain others – but I have to be honest; I wouldn’t be doing it just for them, I’d be doing it for myself as well.
I think every kid dreams of being able to “play video games and make money”. Video games here just happen to be what I’m good at. Some people are very good at reading political situations and videos about it, others are good at giving fashion advice – I’m good at games!
However, my laptop isn’t strong enough to run a game and record it, let alone stream it.
It even has problems running 2011’s Skyrim version (not the Special Edition) on Ultra Setting, with no mods on, and it’s been 6 years since it came out.
Depression is a strong enemy here. It’s a Boss – but it’s a boss I can battle head-to-head and come out on top in the end, I’m sure of it. It’s not depression stopping me from doing what I want to do. Sadly, it’s what makes this world turn in most cases: money.
Until I get a job that allows me to start this…it’s a dream postponed.