I used to be able to just logically overcome my own doubts and other people’s too. I could just prove them they could achieve something and I could prove myself the same – that I was able to, that I had skill or that I could improve my skill on something. That has changed.
The exact time it started happening is unknown to me, like I’ve mentioned in my first post on this blog. Let’s just say: a few years ago, from now on. So…
A few years ago my mind decided to tell me I wasn’t capable of doing much, that I wouldn’t fit anywhere at any given time – and I fail to understand why this happened, because I’ve always had some sort of support and I’ve been a positive person up until then.
According to the psychologist’s report, I’m a hyper-rational person who traps their emotions (good or bad) inside. Why am I like this? Because I’m actually hyper-emotional and in order to stay sane…this is my defensive mechanism. There’s supposed to be a balance between the two and I’m apparently way beyond what would be healthy. My explanation here isn’t the best, even more so not being in my first language, but it’s like I’m shifting between being too rational and too emotional (or even being both at the same time. Which I don’t understand how that can happen…but apparently it does).
How do I fight this?
On most situations it’s very hard to control (even harder if I wasn’t aware of it).
Let’s say something happened (doesn’t matter what) and it made me feel angry. My first and immediate response is: “No, I shouldn’t feel angry, control it.” – shutting down the emotion. I still can’t control it. But I can then force myself to let the emotion lead my thoughts. By doing this, I get a few different outcomes/reactions. The most rational one, the most emotional one and the middle-term (I like to call it the most human one) and I try to follow it.
The idea of trying to separate the different thoughts, categorize them and then pick the best one for the situation, came from RPGs (you know, when you’re presented with a situation and have to reply/act and there’s a wheel/menu to pick your answer – like Mass Effect for example). Maybe this is still a hyper-rational way of doing this, but it’s been improving my overall state and I’m being able to talk more freely to people, which is still a major issue to me. Writing is easy, speaking isn’t as much.
Maybe this isn’t the exact best direction to take and I may have to turn here and there and adjust course. But it’s working for now.
I don’t know if my explanation is decent enough for anyone to understand or relate to. But this is a step I took towards being an improved version of my current-self and since it’s working I decided to write about it and let this off of my chest and mind.