State of Mind: Negative Thoughts

I used to be able to just logically overcome my own doubts and other people’s too. I could just prove them they could achieve something and I could prove myself the same – that I was able to, that I had skill or that I could improve my skill on something. That has changed.

The exact time it started happening is unknown to me, like I’ve mentioned in my first post on this blog. Let’s just say: a few years ago, from now on. So…

A few years ago my mind decided to tell me I wasn’t capable of doing much, that I wouldn’t fit anywhere at any given time – and I fail to understand why this happened, because I’ve always had some sort of support and I’ve been a positive person up until then.

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Do you understand this feeling? Because I do, very well.

According to the psychologist’s report, I’m a hyper-rational person who traps their emotions (good or bad) inside. Why am I like this? Because I’m actually hyper-emotional and in order to stay sane…this is my defensive mechanism. There’s supposed to be a balance between the two and I’m apparently way beyond what would be healthy. My explanation here isn’t the best, even more so not being in my first language, but it’s like I’m shifting between being too rational and too emotional (or even being both at the same time. Which I don’t understand how that can happen…but apparently it does).

How do I fight this?
On most situations it’s very hard to control (even harder if I wasn’t aware of it).
Let’s say something happened (doesn’t matter what) and it made me feel angry. My first and immediate response is: “No, I shouldn’t feel angry, control it.” – shutting down the emotion. I still can’t control it. But I can then force myself to let the emotion lead my thoughts. By doing this, I get a few different outcomes/reactions. The most rational one, the most emotional one and the middle-term (I like to call it the most human one) and I try to follow it.

The idea of trying to separate the different thoughts, categorize them and then pick the best one for the situation, came from RPGs (you know, when you’re presented with a situation and have to reply/act and there’s a wheel/menu to pick your answer – like Mass Effect for example). Maybe this is still a hyper-rational way of doing this, but it’s been improving my overall state and I’m being able to talk more freely to people, which is still a major issue to me. Writing is easy, speaking isn’t as much.

Maybe this isn’t the exact best direction to take and I may have to turn here and there and adjust course. But it’s working for now.

I don’t know if my explanation is decent enough for anyone to understand or relate to. But this is a step I took towards being an improved version of my current-self and since it’s working I decided to write about it and let this off of my chest and mind.

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6 thoughts on “State of Mind: Negative Thoughts

  1. I rationally know I’m an emotional being, and I know I can’t control my emotions (only my reactions to them), so it’s like you know you’re emotional, but you still try to use logic and rationale in order to control them even though you know that emotions can be wildly unpredictable, and you never know when something can and will trigger a negative one. I’m hyper-sensitive, but I’ve spent a good portion of my life “playing it cool,” because I hate making a scene, and I want to appear that I’m in control. I think you’re dead on with the balance between hyper emotional and hyper rational in order to stay sane.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My whole life I’ve been called “overly sensitive” or “too emotional” about things… Unfortunately the world is very bombastic, and most people don’t know how to deal with the emotions of another person (or even their own emotions, but that’s a completely different topic).

    At any rate, you’re *always* entitled to your feelings, whatever they are. You are allowed to feel them, even if you don’t understand why you are feeling a certain way, and even if it makes someone uncomfortable. The only part of that you can control is how you handle them (for example, the difference between saying, “That really makes me angry” and punching someone in the nose). One of the hardest things I had to (re)learn was giving myself permission to have an emotional reaction to something without “judging” it. It’s still something I have to consciously remind myself to do, but it’s so helpful once you start allowing yourself to feel your emotions without criticism.

    That’s an interesting idea, thinking about dialogue in real life as a wheel or list from an RPG. If only the real-life ones came with little indicators as to what was the “paragon” option… But seriously, that’s a really interesting – and helpful – way of grading responses in regards to emotional intensity.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You’re absolutely right – but sometimes I can’t help it and “judge” myself for feeling a certain way, even though I’m aware I’m allowed to feel however I feel. Giving yourself permission to have any kind of emotional reaction sounds like a hard thing to do (at least for me, at this current time) – I need to try and not “judge” myself as much, when it comes to feeling things. Thanks for this!

      It’s been working fine, even if sometimes I have to stop a little bit before replying. And of course, knowing how my answer would affect someone would be a great help…but I think it’s better if I don’t know anything beforehand. I can focus on being myself, that way. If this makes any sense…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. In case anyone started reading when I posted this:
    I realised the first two lines were very misleading because my original intent for this post was to talk about self-doubt and only that. But then as I was writing, made more sense to write it as it is and that’s why I removed the first two phrases.

    Like

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